Discomfort, apple cider vinegar, and fuck*ng nasty, ugly boredom

Discomfort is my new thing; I'm thoroughly hating it and I love that. Every time my body decides to take the long and exhausting road to do something, a bunch of happy chemicals get released in my brain. But don't get me wrong here, it's TIRING.

Every now and then, I have to give myself pep talks to ensure I'm not giving up on this eternal search for difficult -yet manageable- experiences. I'm learning to accept the fact that I will miserably fail most of my endeavors; and that's great, it would be such a painful thing to be amazing and awesome and incredible at everything we did.

The fact that there is always room for improvement, change, and evolution comforts me. I don't have to decide anything right now, and even if I do, I can always change it later on. It may sound basic and even repetitive, but actively embodying open-mindedness and detaching your sense of self from outcomes is one harsh son-of-a-bitch practice.

There's no magic formula, or one-size-fits-all list of steps for a growth mindset. What works for someone might not work for you, and almost always, you'll end up having to face life all alone, on your own terms, whatever that means. No one will come to your rescues, no one will hand you the answers, no one will truly understand what you're experiencing. 

And the sooner you realize this..., well, no one knows. You can figure shit out from an early age and become a lustrous self-love and wellness preacher, or ignore reality, and soothe your pain through anesthetics and an ever-going battle against your own self, for the rest of your life. At the end of the day, none of this matters in the great scheme of things, it's your choice, and regardless of your misery, life moves forward.

No one cares about you and no one will help you unless you open your arms, and lay down in defeat, begging for mercy. You have to let yourself lose hard, and your wounds bleed until there is nothing more to do and no more pain to feel, and I'm not saying you should look for numbness, but rather to experience the unbearable distress of boredom and pain that it is to work on yourself, and to truly look inside of your every thought, core belief, perception, and opinion. 

You have to have the courage to face the ugliness of your own human reality, and the compassion to not try to fix it, change it, ignore it, comment on it, but rather to look at it in quiet acceptance. 

From my experience, learning to accept the ugly reality of my humanity is a never ending endeavor. I haven't had a single day of rest since I began to build a kinder, more honest, relationship with myself. I've had to face and endure the hardships of life all by myself, and build strength and will from those opportunities. I've also had to reframe my thought process to embrace these new changes, and learn new behavior patterns to be triggered each time something goes off the rails.

I'm uncomfortable. I'm painfully uncomfortable and lonely and bored and I'm loving the process of becoming more and more uncomfortable and lonely and bored. Some day, enough time would have passed and I will not be bothered by the new activities and routines I'm implementing today, my willpower will be more robust, the people I surround myself with will be different, and life will be exponentially better. Not because I will accomplish xyz things, but rather because I would have proven to myself that I am capable to change and do good by myself. I will continue to face new difficulties, surely, but I trust that the way I react to them will not throw the baby along with the bath water as I had used to do before -and even sometimes today still-.