About being "moderately ok" - Voy a Vos / Vilma Palma e Vampiros

I have a profound desire to discover what the best version of myself is. And this is a feeling I've been feeling for as long as I've been alive. 

Excelling at school, making friends, falling in love, listening to music, reading books, celebrating my birthdays. 

And this desire has been accompanied by a deep sense of guilt that drags me out of my bed and reminds me that I have to do things because, otherwise, I am worthless.

Imagine discovering, in your twenty-second year on earth, that you do not feel guilt because you're actually doing something wrong but because you've never acknowledged the wins you have won and the things where you actually beat everyone else.

And somehow, this is no longer about being able to kick someone on their ass and prove yourself right. No. This is about knowing your worth based on your standards and accepting said standards as enough proof that you have a way to reason about things. I compare myself to others, only to remind myself that I live in a community and that there are people around me. I am still my favorite measuring value. I am still my favorite person to watch do things.

One of the many skills I'd like to develop for my own well-being is the art of watching in silence, carefully crafting the patience to read books in silence, listen to music in silence, and love in silence.

No one needs to hear my sighs, or my thoughts on a specific matter. There's no need to write down all thoughts in an orderly manner. I may never speak again, and it would be okay. The world would still turn, and I could still feel joyous, regardless of the things that are left unsaid.

And don't get me wrong, this is not about keeping everything to myself; I've been practicing the art of feeling moderate feelings and making moderate decisions, and this is a topic I hold dearly to myself because I used to live in silence, as if I was a sacred temple, and silence used to be my weapon, allowing me to shift from one place to another without being noticed. But I don't guard myself anymore. I don't have the need to hide from the world because I've made a name to myself, and I am a whole person, deserving of all the love and care and attention that one must receive to grow strong.

What I meant to say is that I wish that the fear of missing out would not keep me from doing the things that I love. I would like to leave my camera alone and not write about my silly little job when the day is over. I want to experiment, and love, and feel. And nothing more. Who cares if I forget, I can do everything tomorrow all over again.