Uncertainty

Whenever I am doing anything (which happens at anytime of the day, lately) I get this very clear and weirdly specific urge to write down what it is that I am feeling and why I would want to work on it during therapy after I fix the issues with my mother.

From missing my ex, to not being able to portray myself in a stable, loving, and caring relationship, I want to dissect every single piece of my life and convert it into the subject study of my weekly therapy sessions.

I was watching an episode of a random sitcom I ended up really liking, and they were talking about not being certain about anything in life, but in the person they were in love with.

How, and why. How do you know you love someone? How do you know it's not just a feeling within your tummy? How do you know it's not only the fear of being alone? 

For example, I've been thinking a lot about my mother, and how much I despise her, how often I wished she would vanish from my life, leaving me finally alone, not scared of her anymore. And I am unable to define that feeling, somehow, I cannot say, hey, this feels like hate, or disgust, or pain. I am left petrified. I simply cannot stand her. And same goes with the people I've gone out with, how do I know I like them? I mean, I simply accept the fact that I like their look and that I wouldn't be mortified if they kissed me. And I've ended up with pretty shitty people that do not bring anything particularly positive to the table.

I don't know how love feels like. 

I do not know how to love or how to experience love. 

I know what lust is, because lust is a very physical feeling. At some point you forget about the feeling, but rather let your body accept the fact that you are feeling lusty. In a very physical way.

But besides from that, I do not know how to feel feelings.

I know pain.

I know loneliness.

I know failure.

I don't know love.

I don't think I've ever fallen in love. I don't think I can.

And it makes me feel angry to think that I have to do all this fucking work to understand myself and train myself and reorganize myself, and teach myself how to identify whatever it is that I am feeling.

I am angry, and sad, and disappointed. I would like to leave the conversation with my mother aside and talk about me for a chance.